song: stupid- sarah maclachlan
mood: bitterly depressed
i feel as if i was never in love, or rather was not being loved. and the truth only surfaced after 10 months, and it hit me like ocean tides, coming to me in waves. it has cautioned me to be alone, to retreat inside myself and do some soul searching. i don't know what i want anymore or what is right for me to want, i have given so much yet in return what i got was nothing. i suppose if there is no happiness or chemistry between two people then it is easier to just let it be and not try to make it work.
and i feel so bitter about, why should they be happy while i suffer in silence? i know this is not right but i cannot help it. i feel so small. i feel as if the very air i breathe has been sucked out of my lungs. but i must learn to let go and forgot it bit it is so hard.
but i want him to be happy, and if he will be happier with him than me, then i will let him go. it is not for me to judge or discriminate just because he does and i won't. and i will promise not to cry.
why do we always discount our feelings?
i'm leaving
you're done
cut the cord
i will bear my heart
make sure it's sharp
make it quick
flash your will against me
relieve thie red smear
smother the beating
dull the pulse
show mercy
spare it from your side
and i will rip
what was yours, what was
living in me
and return it to you
do it while our heas
are still intact
before they rot in
each other's care
before they become
riddled with bitterness
choked by the stinking seeds
of resentment
