mood: la di da
cd: the soul sessions- joss stone

tim apprently deleted me from friendster probably becuz he didn't want anymore contact with me or zac. it funny how life plays you around and elevates you from depression to the sky. even tho tings between the girls in klass or tim is ever gonna work out, i am not gonna bother or try to pacify em. like zac said, i got to em, they're upset and i on the other hand has got nothing to lose. and i think it's lame the excuses they give to me but i'm not one to judge. if you wanna details to the whole episode, please holla at me at my mobile.
i'm no longer that depressed and things are looking up. skool's still the same but i dun hang or talk to "em" anymore, what for rite? there's nothing to say anyway. next time i'll learn how to keep things to myself n not tell even the cloest to me. lest li juan cuz she's my angel and zac too. i'm getting off adversity and i wanna see how far this dark horse can go. i'm pushing myself to work harder now since i dun hang with all these prarsites no more.
i met someone at the china sweat house last nite. hmmm both zac and i think he's just my rebound cuz zac says i'm not over tim yet but i am now, i simply can't handle a naive 19 year old who thinks i can't figure what is called top or bottom. pleeeze, i've been in and out of relationships longer than he has been sucking cock. anyway the guy's really sweet n he claims i'm cute and he really likes me, and he just had to send me all the way to my doorstep. like we just met 30 mins ago?? so i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and go out with him. lol

i totally screwed my skin up! my links and comment box are missing but i'll have em up real soon. i wander what zac's doing now, i only have him or val for advice since the rest of the pple i know are always so full of themselves and gene n gabby are too far away... i'm in the skool library now, klasss this morning was cancelled cuz our lecturer didn't show.

written way too much crap. hafta do research now

mood: still
song: full of grace- sarah maclachlan

some days it's hard to believe in anything. some days it seems that the heart has been sucked out of the entire world, so that everythiing seems cold and absurd and perhaps pointless. i feel like a child who knows less than nothing.

i want to retreat inside myself where it is quiet again. still waters, not messed up by romantic embraces and hot whispers.

such torrid seas i have been sailing these last years, which at first promised calm. it has caused me to doubt my judgement. in my ming grew a shadow that cautioned me to be alone. and so i have been. no one has comed close. i have been quiet and withdrawn. no pretty face or handsome jaw or clever turn of phrase or simple flattery has lured me out of the deep waters of my soul. so did i feel disappointed i found someone who, iwhom i liked, felt familiar? perhaps a little. afraid? yes, that too, for many reasons.

first, because of how sincerely i liked him and a feeling of doom that if we were more than friends i would lose the privilidge eventually of knowing him. which i already have and friendships were being ruined in the process. i don't understand how is it that you can pass judgement on feelings of the heart when it is not just black and white.
second, because my life does not look like what it used to be. there is so much hot air and chaos in my life that it would seem impossible for him to want to be a part of it. and third, because i don't know that i believe in. i don't know what i want, or what's possible for me to want. i don't know if i believe in marraige or forever, and if that's the case, then how can i justify allowing another to love me or me to love?

but rite now i know i want him and i don't know why. maybe i'm getting off his lack of reciprocity or that i can't handle the fact that i'm just not his type. plus he's 19.

you always crave for what you can never have.

sometimes i feel stuck and not moving at all,
i must remember to breathe.