mood: insensitive
song: hole in the head- sugarbabes

it's satuarday and i'm bored to death waiting for Val to finish work so she can come join moi for dinner. thne there's this officer's birthday party which i dun even know whether i'll be goging! nothing's being arranged yet. tak tak can't some people's timemore liked planned or something?

on a brighter note, lunch was superb! met roy, (the ring guy) for lunch at marche, and oh. my. god! they are like having different sorts of food compared to the boring rosti and shit. so we had the best oysters and i had my quail with pumpkin and potatoe compote! delicious! although the quail was a tad bit small and dry....

i am so gonna get my nokia 660 soon! hopefu;;y by mid dec i can save up enuf for it! xmas is coming so why can anyone get it for moi for xmas?? lmao!

too hungry to write anymore,
i so need food

mood: rested
song: ai hen jian dan(i love you)- david tao


kinky isn't a feather...its using the whole damn
chicken! and you kno it. you are so kinky that
even you are afraid of yourself sometimes.


What type of SEX do You enjoy?
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it's finally friday! will have to attend my officer's birthday party tomorrow instaed of meeting ashley and jo to go to esplanade to take pictures cuz jo has got rehearsals and dinner with her family... tsk tsk i thought we already planned this ages ago?? so we hafta shift the picture taking to sunday.

i totally shouldn't go out so often, i still hafta save up for my phone and ibook and all that. da jie, the road trip has gotta wait, je suis desole. i'm just so worried bout monetary issuses rite now. how am i ever gonna get enough to get me thru skooL and survive? okkay i'm starting to become a worrywart... like jewel sang in Hands, "not to worry cuz worry is wasteful and useless in times like this"

oh well the weekend's finally approaching and i can't wait to come out and paint the town red!
argh i, too am facing a writer's block, or rather there's just too many thoughts running wild in my head for me to sort out! i guess i betta stop here and stop rambling. whatever

mood: restless
song: cinta bukan biasa- siti nurhalisa
crossed-eyed artist du jour: wilber pan




i dunno what i'm doing in camp today, since there're tonnes of people off today and it's dead quiet here. good thing is that i can probably leave early and mebbe meeting ashley for dinner or accompanying erwin to ikea. bored shitless in camp. public holiday tomorrow!!

mood: worn out
song: cruz- christina aguilera
"i'm leaving today
i'm leaving it, i'm leaving ti to change
movie du jour- le divorce et la papillon




so i caught 2 movies this week. fabulous i must say. both were french movies, not excatly for le divorce but the backdrop was gorgeous! i really love the parisian streets and culture although sadly i've never been to paris before... la papillon was just plain heartwarming and sweet.

that kinda reminded me of him. cuz he's french and all. which brings me to one thing. i can't imagine i was capable of such sorrow, such thick black sorrow or such bitterness. it all brings a sour aftertaste to my lips. i've resolved not to bring him up but i can't bring myself to forget it just like that. believe me i'l all over him and i can't believe all the stupid things i did for him and all, and the things i acted from my wounds. but i still wanna go to paris one day or even work there if time and money allows me. i feel so contained in singapore, so caged, so creatively dry or possibly barren. but it'll all be over, this ordeal, this feeling... whatever.

am getting betta at my french! thank god, been practising and doing my lessons religiously. it's such a beautiful language i reckon.

was at DC last night with ashley, jo and val. it was quite ok, sang a fair bit and i was praised for my rendition of a du's ta yi ding heng ai ni! lmao! i am getting betta at this karaoke stuff! gawd! i'm becoming a serious karaoke queen as well! but it's all good! lol

yayy! we've finally got a place for our annual xmas dinner this year! all thanx to val who offered her place! since she'll be getting her own place next month and the fact that she called me this week, i'm so glad that she called and i totally miss her! with xmas approaching and zac & gab coming back, there'll sure be a hella a party here! can't wait! the only thing is i'll be sure that i'll be spending like nobody's business! with the xmas presents and food for the party and gifts for all the people either coming back or leaving, not to mention my 2 dear sisters in Aussieland and Holland! plus i'l still saving up to get my nokoia 6600 which costs like 900 buckeroos! and my copmuter as well! i think i'll settle for the ibook! it's so pimp, so sex and the city! plus you can pay for it in instalments too!

i'm so excited! pssst since xmas is just round the corner, won't someone get me the nokia mobile for me?

the butterfly is a love note folded in two
-la papillon

mood: restless
song: fields of gold- emi fujita
femme du jour: Denisa Dvoncova, winner of elite model look 2003


You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when youve
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure youre always number
one.
Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability.
Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention.


What kind of girl are you?
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You are Ariel from The Little Mermaid!


What Disney Princess are you?
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Rock on. You're Courtney Love.


What sexy girl are you
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i'm much betta today, thank god. and bored shitless this week cuz i'll be on standby in camp again! nothing new in my life though i've got things to tell da jie and er jie. gurls, if you're reading this, i'll write soon. i feel so caught up in my surroundings again, 3 friends just broke up this week. another was depressed. another has family problems. my ears are still plugged.

mood: sick
song: dong feng po- jay chou
cutie du jour: duncan Blue



rite i've been sick the whole week, what with the sore throat and cough then the runny nose.. and i'm still not geting any better. plus my ears have been plugged as well since i got sick. wonder why... i'm reluctant to go see a doctor, never liked them anyway... and i've already been stocking up on my meds, lozenges and cough syrup, flu pills ..the works. it ain't helping.

been a rather uneventful week, getting sick then going for exercise on a last minute notice... the only good thing's that i manged to catch up with matthew, ashley and erwin on the weekend, even though i'm like snuffling and about to cough my lungs out any moment. did meet up with jo and M on tuesday for dinner, got another pair of shoes yesterday...

well that's my week, if you're interested...
i so need a cup of tea

mood: tired
song: me against the music- britney
idol du jour: jay chou




Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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-i'm thug bear?? well once a niggabitch, always a niggabitch! lmao! what can i say? i love ma bee-aches and hos!

finally changed my blogskin after i screwed up the previous one. did it all on my own without ashley's help this time. wasn't that hard after all! even though i'm quite bimbo and not at all knowledgeable bout all this IT stuff. at any rate, i prefer this new skin to the old one.

a new moniker- i am now mary-kate and miss liow's ashley, after the famous olsen twins? there has been many occasions that people would think that we're brothers, or should i say sisters? i think it all started with vibi (a bar-bitch at this pub/karaoke place we go to with jo and M) rite ashley?

went for the Elite model look yesterday since M has got tickets. tonnes of eye candy. it's amazing to see all these gorgeous young thangs and then realise most of them aren't even of legal age yet. models! then headed to whynot cuz i kinda promised speedy that i'll be there. caught up with erwin and hiang kwang came as well but disappeared into the crowd after saying our hi!s. music was so-so, i think i've lost it for clubbing. it's been ages since we really clubbed and i just dun think i can handle the loud muzak or smoke. think it's cuz i started young and it's all starting to wear on moi. lol.

having a sore throat now, not really sore but really itchy. think it's becuz i've been smoking again. couldn't help it when i came out on friday and got meself a pack after not smoking the whole time i was in camp. i so needa quit

There is a pretty girl
on the
Face
of the magazine
And
all I see
is my dirty
hands
turning the page

Little breasts attached to
skinny ribs and hungry bellies
determined legs
persuasive swing
careful hands
she stands
a greater threat to herself
than the cigarette
she consumes

mary-kate

mood: full
song: never again- justin timberlake

PROJECT G.I.JO (minus the E please!)

rite, went for coffee with M and jo earlier today in the city. so there we were at coffee club express talking and somehow the topic drifted to jo and we started discussing how we could make her more 'feminine' ahem, not that she's not girly girl enough but the girl needs a new look! a makeover! so from today onwards, i shall (with the help of M of course) embark on this very difficult task to give jo a complete makeover! by christmas i hope!

saw christmas decorations out in the city already ! it is only NOVEMBER, christmas is not till next month! oh well *rolls eyes* i'm still worried bout christmas dinner this year, it's been a yearly tradition and i can't bear to pass this year just because we can't find a place. we've been having it since 1999 and it'll be such a shame if we don't have it this year since jo's leaving for Oz next Feb.

hmmm been really lazy this week, haven't been doing my reading or french this whole week. i'm supposed to complete a chapter a week so i can progress and all. guess i'll do the whole week's worth of french tomorrow. there's just soooo little time and so much to do. or sleep i mean! so i have been catching up on my sleep. and it doesn't help that i'm on standby this week, which meant i had to do sentry in the wee hours of the the morning. i always get the graveyard shift! tsk tsk
mon dieu! j'ameliore la brosse vers le haut sur mon francais bientot! tout ceci va gaspiller!
good thing that i'm on 4ntm (notice to move that is, for all those unfamiliar to military terms) which basically means i can go out this weekend and that i'm off tomorrow! my camp mate/buddy just reminded me today that we haven't been working on saturdays for months!

has anyone heard or read the papers lately? tom ford's leaving Gucci after his last season next march! wonder who's gonna take over his throne?? look at Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent now and compare to what it used to be before mr ford came and reinvented it!

on a lighter note, i'll be going to the Elite Models finals at the indoor stadium tomorrow withy jo, M and miss liow since M's got 2 pairs of tickets. so we get to play dress up tomorrow! lol.

a couple of friends got me an easel for my birthday this year and it has been rotting in my room since.
i think i should start painting again.

me
i have a
grey heart
i have a
face that
i borrowed from my father
and my mother's hands
i have straight teeth now
because i wore braces
but my face still breaks out
i have lips that always smile
i have veins that bleed
i laugh when i'm nervous
i feel the pain of others
but cry for no reason
i write
i've cheated
and i've faked phoney accents
and i won't probably
have a grey heart
and i may not always write
i used to get my way
but
not
anymore

mood: rested
song: stand- jewel

OMG! i slept til 9 today! haven't had the luxury to do so since we have to wake up at 6 everyday to go for breakfast. since we had to do sentry til 1 last night, i decided to sleep in cuz the weather was so nice and cool. so there, i'm very rested today and full of energy. i just realised that i haven't wrote to da jie, er jie or Ana any snail mail since the 'break-up' and i haven't touched my journal/scrap book either! i have been so dry creatively that i absofreakinglutely have no creative juices flowing out of me! i have becomed quiet and withdrawn since the 'breakup'. i thought that by writing i would at least let my thoughts be given voice and known to myself, about how i felt and all but 'he' said that my writings sucked and i only wrote because 'he' said i needed attention. since then i haven't touched my scrapbook, not even to doodle. it's contents still bring back painful if not ugly memories. well now i write for my blog. all i want is to make myself small in a person's arms. 'he' never believed that what i wanted was to be with one man. seems fitting somehow. my insides will be known to strangers, yet i was a stranger to a man who claimed to love me.

it has caused me to doubt my judgement. in my mind grew a shadow that cautioned me to be alone. and so i have been. no one has come close. no pretty face or handsome jaw.no clever turn of pharse or simple flattery lured me out from the deep waters of my soul. honestly, i don't believe in relationships anymore, or being together foever for that matter. monogamy doesn't exist. not in my circle anyway. i dunno what i believe in, what i want or what is possible for me to want. my life's already complicated as it is. i don't know if i believe in marriage or forever and if that's the case, how can i justify allowing another to love me or me to love?

"the lights are bright in the circus
The geeks and the freaks all light cigarettes and laugh at your misery
While the weight of the curtain closing crushes your heart
The inertia of loneliness tears your flesh apart"
-a long slow slide

mood: melancholic
song: kai shi dong le- yanzi

it's a wet day, and it doesn't lift my mood up either. i'm quite affected by what my friends are going thru in their personal lives, i don't know why but it just gets to me... maybe it's cuz i want them to know that hey i feel you or whatever. or maybe it's cuz i've been listening to all these sad chinese ballads that it's starting to get to me?? or maybe it's just that i have nothing better to do these days than worry about other people when i have enough to worry about myself!

first of all, i don't have a single cent left, i'm BROKE! literally broke! and it's 5 more days till payday and i still have one more weekend to go til the money comes in next tues! not to mention there're bills to pay once i get my money and clear some debts i've inherited this month! by then i wun have a lot of money left and how am i suppose to last a whole month til Dec? plus there're clothes i wanna get too. so basically i'll be left with nada once i get my pay! and the thing is i don't have a lot to my name. i am still struggling to save up for a comp and my school fees and to live alone. life is one great bitch when you're poor!

next, i've only got 3 plus months to go before i ord. that, is a good thing, on the other side, i have to be on my own again! after 2 years of being provided with food and lodgings, even though that meant getting paid a very minimal wage or rather allowance, i'm gonna be freed from it soon. that means i have to survive on my own WITH my own money! even though i am looking forward to it, i dunno what to do. i'm afraid that i can't get a job or will not have enough to get me thru school again.. that sort of stuff... heh i shouldn't think bout that now... i don't wanna rely on my parents since i'm already old enough to take care of myself and all that shit! gawd i so need a sugardaddy! lol.

see that's enough for me to worry about already and yet here i am, wondering how my friends are coping... see how selfless i am *lets out hyena like laugh* i think i'm terminally bound to depression

oh goodies! both zac and gabriel are coming back home next month! i haven't seen zac for yonks and i miss gabriel dearly! da jie, if you're reading this, you'd better come back soon!

There is a pretty girl
on the
Face
of the magazine
And
all I see
are my dirty
hands
turning the page

mood: bittersweet
song: can you feel the love tonight- S Club

people only respond to rejection. some character in a cartoon i was watching yesterday at home said that. gwad they actually deal with this type of contents in cartoons now? i guess it true what was said in the cartoon, people only respond when they are being rejected. last night, a close friend called and said that she's servering all ties with her best friend because they encountered a milestone in their friendship and her best friend no longer wanted anything to do with her. this has got me thinking... gawd have i been there! not exactly the same way my friend's going thru but have i been there! maybe sometimes it's better to rid oneself of people who dun really clique or care about you? i've become a lot cynical about making new friends and choosing them a lot more carefully now. that's why i only hang with the ones who really know me and can put up with me and vice versa. there are people who i consider friends, people who i can talk to freely and there are people whom i only call aquaintances, they are the ones that i just go out with, if you know what i mean. being all plastic and friendly. i'm glad that i have made a couple of friends who stood by me all these years.

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life
-thank you, Dido

mood: lethargic
song: hua dou kai hao le- S.H.E

all has been good. it's sunday and i'm sitting at this internet cafe writing this cuz the bloody computer at home's down again! drats. i'm dead beat from karaok-ing last nite with miss liow, jo and M. realising that we're all sorta broke, we decided to take Night Rider back home and save on the cab fare. who knew that we took the wrong bus (all thanx to moi) and landed up in Sembawang instead!!

OMG! has anyone seen the new Blue video?? duncan's hair looks so phat!! i would kill to have hair like that! or at least that kinda length rite now... that long floppy locks... so boyband!

i reckon i've become more skepitcal bout life after the 'break up, i mean i think there's more to life than living for one person and looking for love! i'm only 20 and i've sailed such torrid seas, that at first promised calm. so now i'm begining to live life as i should, a 20 year old and continue to discover parts of me still uncovered and work towards my passions and dreams. so much for now, i think i've got too many thoughts in my head and it's giving me a headache just sorting it out.